SLAB subcontracts damage limitation exercises to cybernatz scum
by Nat Butcher, our Political Correspondent
The Labour party in Scotland has commissioned a secretive and subversive group of separatist seditionists to conduct a face saving policy clean-up exercise on their various internet properties, following a series of embarrassments over recent weeks.
Several spokeseejits for the Scottish Labour party have recently made policy statements which were completely at odds with manifesto commitments, causing party spin doctors to birl quicker than Keir Hardie's corpse.
The first of these took place on November 29th as Jackie Baillie MSP, the Scottish Labour spokesfibber on healthy eating, was addressing a public meeting of the Clydebank Trades Union Council.
When Baillie stated that Labour policy was for a mere two year council tax freeze, and not the scurrilous 5 year pledge of the SNP, she was reminded by the audience of Glasgow Labour's promise of a 5 year freeze.
However, the Glasgow MSP continued to insist that she was correct, saying: "Trust me, I know my own manifesto".
An audience member, who clearly did not trust her, asked: "Well why don't you tell the truth, Jackie?", to the accompaniment of great mirth.
To which Ms Baillie replied, to even greater merriment: "I always tell the truth, Jim, absolutely always tell the truth."
The Glasgow Labour party's Manifesto for the 2012 local government elections, however, also disagrees with the MSP, as a commitment to a 5 year freeze is number one in their list of 100 promises to the people of Glasgow.
The next faux-pas took place during First Minister's Questions on 20th December 2012, as part of a pantomime exchange between SLAB leader Johann Lamont and the First minister, Alex Salmond.
Mr Salmond pointed to the inconsistency between the recent policy shift by Lamont in calling for Student fees to be reintroduced in Scotland, while the Scottish Labour web site proclaimed that this would never be allowed to happen.
Referring to images from the site showing Labour MSPs 'signing the pledge' in a fine piece of neo-Cleggism, the FM asked MSPs to visit the site quickly, as "it will be gone by Christmas".
In fact, it was only a couple of hours later that the page containing their education policy statement was completely removed, leaving just a 404 error page in its place.
BBC Scotlandshire, in a rare moment of journalism inspired by Newsnet Scotland, asked Labour's Ian Davidson MP, chairchoob of the Scottish Affairs committee for Labour's Yapping Imbeciles Normally Gobbing Clots of Utter Negativity Towards Scotland, to comment.
Davidson said: "Thon gormless gommerils in Holyrood couldny spot a f—kin policy if it was wrapped in an expense claim form with 'policy inside' written all over it in finest gravy.
"They didnae even ken whit bits ay the interweb they hud pit their manifesto comit..., cummit..., proamises oan, so they couldny fun thum again tae delete thum.
"Ah wus forced tae wade in masell an take oot a contract wi thon Scoattish Militant Ninja Turtles c-nts, cus they boays ur much better wi the computers an that than we ur.
"Ah goat them cybernatz scum tae fun aw oor redundant policies, which wus every wan ay thum, an delete thum aw fur us. An then they made up a new error page fur oor web shite site an aw.
"Ah'll admit it wis a bit ay a Joseph f--kin Heller moment, us piyin the cybernatz tae help us oot like that, but it wus the only wiy tae get the joab done properly. So, whit the f—k? Ye dae whit ever ye huv tae dae, eh."
SLAB supremo Johann Lamont was unavailable to comment as she had accidentally deleted the page containing all of Ed's instructions, and was running round her secret George Square bunker having a wee panic attack.
Youtube: Public meeting with Jackie Baillie (Look at 1 hour in)
Youtube: First Minister's Questions
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